Already? It’s been forever since I’ve added to my blog. It’s not because nothing important has happened, quite the contrary, but rather because my focus has been elsewhere and most of the things happening in my life aren’t really trans related.
I can’t believe that it’s been over a year since I started popping the little blue pills. I honestly never thought that I would full time by now. I really wasn’t convinced that I will be able to pull off being Marissa 24/7 without significant surgical intervention. Luckily, I was wrong. I’m honestly not sure that much has changed since the 8-10 month mark, but I do know for sure that my boobs are growing pretty nicely, yes the left one is still growing a bit faster than the right but they are taking shape. People tell me I look different since the summer, but I am having a hard time noticing the difference. Although, I should point out that I never actually saw changes in my face, but that’s because I see myself in the mirror all the time.
My name has now been officially changed, which was expensive, since I decided to use a law firm instead of me playing with it, even tho for an official name change in ON, you don’t need to speak to a judge or get a court ruling. I went with them because I didn’t want to deal with it and I also need to update my immigration records wince I wasn’t born here, and I definitely don’t want to deal with that part.
On other news, my brother has completely turned around. He could only paint it as the most negative thing that ever happened since hiroshima and it was all about how it makes him feel, instead of what I might have had to deal with for all these years. I’m not really sure what really brought the changes on, but perhaps in a combination of a few different things. One is that time probably helps. It’s been over 2 years since I came out to him and time usually does make things if not easier, at least it helps with getting used to certain things and making peace with the fact that things are going to stay this way.
He really suddenly turned around. Whenever I tried speaking to him about this before last fall, it usually ended up with him raising his voice in protest and there was no other way about it. It was a life ending disaster for him and he had no clue how this might pan out, but it will surely alter the orbit of planets, ending all life in our solar system…..
He then, suddenly changed. There was no gradual getting better really, it just got better over a period of 2 weeks or so. Before that time, he had to go out of his way to tell me how mad he is at me for taking his brother away from him, but never once asked me how I am feeling. Anyway the shift came quite suddenly around Christmas time. I know he started telling some of his closer friends and showed them pictures of me and to his surprise, all of his friends were quite supportive of me and those that did not know me from before, assured him that they can’t tell the person in the picture is trans which probably helped him get over the image of me looking exactly the same as before, just perhaps wearing a dress. Unfortunately, that theme seems quite common among people with limited knowledge of gender transitioning and current affairs in general…..
So during Christmas, my parents were at my brother’s place and the topic of me of course has surfaced and my father rather firmly stated that my condition was caused by “Atheist, liberal Canada”. That is a fairly ignorant thing to say, especially coming from a really well read person who has also traveled the world pretty much in each direction. I have no talked to my dad between September and February, perhaps because I was really mad at his for being so closed minded and perhaps because I thought that giving him time would ease all of this. It somewhat did….. I talked to him in February and we did chat about my “condition” as he likes to call it, although he wasn’t too negative about it, he certainly didn’t have a problem with calling it abnormal. He is very binary it seems as far as gender is concerned, but perhaps in many other ways as well. Everything ha to be very binary. His life is full of ones and zeros and perhaps black and white. I’m really realizing slowly, that “normal” is nothing more than a setting on your washing machine. It’s a point of view. It is normal for me to thin that people are people and we come in many different shapes or forms, it is also considered “normal” in Saudi Arabia to chop someone’s head off for witchcraft. He even dared to say that this is a serious illness and instead of treating it, it is encouraged where I live. Partially, I understand that he will go very far to try and convince me of going back, because he doesn’t get it. I said it before and I’ll say it again, For those that have never questioned this in their head and are content with their gender and sex assigned at birth, understandably, this topic would be hard, if not impossible to comprehend. So back to my brother for a second, I think him witnessing my father’s ignorance was also a big push. He didn’t want to be like that. Also, to his surprise, his 6 y/o son is totally cool with the whole thing and he only pointed out that I look so much happier and I’m much easier to talk to then before. My brother really took that to heart. He even apologized for being so negative about and admitted that even if not consciously, he could only paint a negative image of the whole thing, while talking about it to others. To my surprise, he just asked met clarify one thing. If I’m into women and I have a penis, why on earth do I want surgery???? I told him it’s because I need to feel complete as me, and I want to be able to use the proper change rooms without having to hide anything and frankly, I want to be able to wear a bikini or pencil skirt. Then I asked him — “How do you know I’m only into women??” To my stunning surprise, he just said “ahh…. OK”. I was floored. A few months back, he could only curse about the whole thing and revert to name calling but all of that seems to be gone.
I need to spend a bit of time here on the sexual element of it. This seems to be a common theme where people ask if being on HRT and transitioning changes your sexual orientation. I think for some people it might, I don’t think it has changed mine, but perhaps I am much more open to the possibilities and I am happy about it. I told him that I simply see people and I can easily crush on anyone really, regardless of their sex. He admitted that the whole concept is foreign to him, but he just laughed remembering a piece from a book where the author called “bi” individuals lucky and when explaining to someone how to look at people of different orientation, he just compared it to the bread having butter on each side, that it all. I’m sure it sounded better by the original author, but that’s how I remember it. Oh so the accident I was referring to in the title, was that. I had an accident with someone of very sexual nature and really love it, but I’ll leave it there for now, because that whole story and how I got there is worth of a separate entry.
He now really only compliments on how happy I look and what a change that is compared to 4 years ago.
I’ve been quiet about running, but I continue to enjoy it and I think I’m getting better even if it seriously hinders my breast development. I continue to run about 40-60kms/ week, depending on the week which hasn’t changed, but my times are really improving. I guess I could eat better but I like to eat whatever I like so my progress might not be as impressive as of someone more dedicated but I’m not sure I want to continue losing weight at this point. I think I look OK but I need to continue to keep my head intact.
At this point I need to steer away from the serious topics and focus on the fun elements of transitioning, which allows me to try things I was never allowed to try before. Like colouring my hair. I have gone blonde just before xmas, even tho that was not the plan. I simply wanted high lights, but the girl in the salon has gone a little crazy and I wouldn’t go as far as to call the result catastrophic, I didn’t really like it and never got used to it.
Perhaps at this stage, I should have been worried a bit. There wasn’t much space left between each piece of foil. I really should have just asked her to leave the foil in place and use it as a shield to defend myself against radiation. And naturally to keep the government from reading my mind and find out that I did not declare $1.25 of interested I’ve earned last year on my taxes…..
There were moments when I liked the end result, I never really got used to it and even 6 weeks on, walking past the mirror resulted in me being surprised and wondering who that person was staring back at me.
That is my original colour which I was really missing.
So 6 weeks on, I did the best thing anyone could do and decided to change colour again. I’ve gone red, like all smart people. Going red on blonde was a brilliant idea, It almost lasted 4 weeks before fading to a light copper tone…. I did like it this time, a lot. Perhaps not right after the cut but in the following days. I tend not to like my hair after a blowout, as I think it makes me resemble a Persian cat.
Now my name change is also officially done, and managed to update all my IDs and banking info with relative ease, although I had two somewhat amusing encounters. I called my main bank of course to ask about an appointment for coming in with my name change certificate to update everything and they told me that it won’t be necessary, I can just walk into any branch and update the info. That was certainly not the case. I go into the branch, hand them my card, Ids and certificate and told the clerk that I had name change, to which she congratulated me, assuming that I just got married. When I told her that it was my first name changing, she acted very surprised and clearly didn’t know what to do about it. She went and talked to someone else in an office and came back, telling me that it’s no problem, they can do it here but it will take about a week because they need to send the info over to my own branch…… that was mildly annoying so I ended up going to my own branch and this time I got a person who knew what they were doing really well and it was really smooth process. At another bank, upon handing in my ids, bank card and paperwork, the clerk said they can do a name change no problem at all, but the account holder needs to be here. When she swiped the card, the name Mr. dead name popped up on the screen which right away made her tell me that he needs to come in. “That’s me” I whispered to her, not wanting the whole bank to hear it. She smiled and said, that’s fine ma’am but he is the account holder so he needs to be here or he has to give you written authorization to make the change. I got more assertive this time and I told her it’s me and flashed an older ID. To which she just acted like it was the most natural thing in the world and made the changes in about a minute and I was done. In the following days, I started receiving my new cards, which made me quite excited to be honest.
I was really happy to have all this done. The current battle us amending immigration records, since I was not born here so that I can get a new passport.
I think I need to end this entry at this point because I need to go, but I will do my best to continue adding to it. I really need to explain my marital situation, my accident and other things in a separate entry. If you are considering transitioning and your marriage is what holds you back, I would like to point out that I really don’t think that is the main reason for our splitting, it’s much deeper than that and it’s years worth of crap accumulating, then making the bucket overflow due to just simple talking to someone.
I will have to get into that later but for now I need sign off.