14 months already? My brother has completely turned around and I’ve gone blonde, then red, yes surgery is coming and I can hardly wait. Running keeps getting better. Oh yes, I’m going to be single and accidents happen…

Already? It’s been forever since I’ve added to my blog. It’s not because nothing important has happened, quite the contrary, but rather because my focus has been elsewhere and most of the things happening in my life aren’t really trans related.

I can’t believe that it’s been over a year since I started popping the little blue pills. I honestly never thought that I would full time by now. I really wasn’t convinced that I will be able to pull off being Marissa 24/7 without significant surgical intervention. Luckily, I was wrong. I’m honestly not sure that much has changed since the 8-10 month mark, but I do know for sure that my boobs are growing pretty nicely, yes the left one is still growing a bit faster than the right but they are taking shape. People tell me I look different since the summer, but I am having a hard time noticing the difference. Although, I should point out that I never actually saw changes in my face, but that’s because I see myself in the mirror all the time.

My name has now been officially changed, which was expensive, since I decided to use a law firm instead of me playing with it, even tho for an official name change in ON, you don’t need to speak to a judge or get a court ruling. I went with them because I didn’t want to deal with it and  I also need to update my immigration records wince I wasn’t born here, and I definitely don’t want to deal with that part.

On other news, my brother has completely turned around. He could only paint it as the most negative thing that ever happened since hiroshima and it was all about how it makes him feel, instead of what I might have had to deal with for all these years. I’m not really sure what really brought the changes on, but perhaps in a combination of a few different things. One is that time probably helps. It’s been over 2 years since I came out to him and time usually does make things if not easier, at least it helps with getting used to certain things and making peace with the fact that things are going to stay this way.

He really suddenly turned around. Whenever I tried speaking to him about this before last fall, it usually ended up with him raising his voice in protest and there was no other way about it. It was a life ending disaster for him and he had no clue how this might pan out, but it will surely alter the orbit of planets, ending all life in our solar system…..

He then, suddenly changed. There was no gradual getting better really, it just got better over a period of 2 weeks or so. Before that time, he had to go out of his way to tell me how mad he is at me for taking his brother away from him, but never once asked me how I am feeling. Anyway the shift came quite suddenly around Christmas time. I know he started telling some of his closer friends and showed them pictures of me and to his surprise, all of his friends were quite supportive of me and those that did not know me from before, assured him that they can’t tell the person in the picture is trans which probably helped him get over the image of me looking exactly the same as before, just perhaps wearing a dress. Unfortunately, that theme seems quite common among people with limited knowledge of gender transitioning and current affairs in general…..

So during Christmas, my parents were at my brother’s place and the topic of me of course has surfaced and my father rather firmly stated that my condition was caused by “Atheist, liberal Canada”. That is a fairly ignorant thing to say, especially coming from a really well read person who has also traveled the world pretty much in each direction. I have no talked to my dad between September and February, perhaps because I was really mad at his for being so closed minded and perhaps because I thought that giving him time would ease all of this. It somewhat did….. I talked to him in February and we did chat about my “condition” as he likes to call it, although he wasn’t too negative about it, he certainly didn’t have a problem with calling it abnormal. He is very binary it seems as far as gender is concerned, but perhaps in many other ways as well. Everything ha to be very binary. His life is full of ones and zeros and perhaps black and white. I’m really realizing slowly, that “normal” is nothing more than a setting on your washing machine. It’s a point of view. It is normal for me to thin that people are people and we come in many different shapes or forms, it is also considered “normal” in Saudi Arabia to chop someone’s head off for witchcraft. He even dared to say that this is a serious illness and instead of treating it, it is encouraged where I live. Partially, I understand that he will go very far to try and convince me of going back, because he doesn’t get it. I said it before and I’ll say it again, For those that have never questioned this in their head and are content with their gender and sex assigned at birth, understandably, this topic would be hard, if not impossible to comprehend. So back to my brother for a second, I think him witnessing my father’s ignorance was also a big push. He didn’t want to be like that. Also, to his surprise, his 6 y/o son is totally cool with the whole thing and he only pointed out that I look so much happier and I’m much easier to talk to then before. My brother really took that to heart. He even apologized for being so negative about and admitted that even if not consciously, he could only paint a negative image of the whole thing, while talking about it to others. To my surprise, he just asked met clarify one thing. If I’m into women and I have a penis, why on earth do I want surgery???? I told him it’s because I need to feel complete as me, and I want to be able to use the proper change rooms without having to hide anything and frankly, I want to be able to wear a bikini or pencil skirt. Then I asked him — “How do you know I’m only into women??” To my stunning surprise, he just said “ahh…. OK”. I was floored. A few months back, he could only curse about the whole thing and revert to name calling but all of that seems to be gone.

I need to spend a bit of time here on the sexual element of it. This seems to be a common theme where people ask if being on HRT and transitioning changes your sexual orientation. I think for some people it might, I don’t think it has changed mine, but perhaps I am much more open to the possibilities and I am happy about it. I told him that I simply see people and I can easily crush on anyone really, regardless of their sex. He admitted that the whole concept is foreign to him, but he just laughed remembering a piece from a book where the author called “bi” individuals lucky and when explaining to someone how to look at people of different orientation, he just compared it to the bread having butter on each side, that it all. I’m sure it sounded better by the original author, but that’s how I remember it. Oh so the accident I was referring to in the title, was that. I had an accident with someone of very sexual nature and really love it, but I’ll leave it there for now, because that whole story and how I got there is worth of a separate entry.

He now really only compliments on how happy I look and what a change that is compared to 4 years ago.

I’ve been quiet about running, but I continue to enjoy it and I think I’m getting better even if it seriously hinders my breast development. I continue to run about 40-60kms/ week, depending on the week which hasn’t changed, but my times are really improving. I guess I could eat better but I like to eat whatever I like so my progress might not be as impressive as of someone more dedicated but I’m not sure I want to continue losing weight at this point. I think I look OK but I need to continue to keep my head intact.

At this point I need to steer away from the serious topics and focus on the fun elements of transitioning, which allows me to try things I was never allowed to try before. Like colouring my hair. I have gone blonde just before xmas, even tho that was not the plan. I simply wanted high lights, but the girl in the salon has gone a little crazy and I wouldn’t go as far as to call the result catastrophic, I didn’t really like it and never got used to it.

 

Perhaps at this stage, I should have been worried a bit. There wasn’t much space left between each piece of foil. I really should have just asked her to leave the foil in place and use it as a shield to defend myself against radiation. And naturally to keep the government from reading my mind and find out that I did not declare $1.25 of interested I’ve earned last year on my taxes…..

 

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There were moments when I liked the end result, I never really got used to it and even 6 weeks on, walking past the mirror resulted in me being surprised and wondering who that person was staring back at me.

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That is my original colour which I was really missing.

So 6 weeks on, I did the best thing anyone could do and decided to change colour again. I’ve gone red, like all smart people. Going red on blonde was a brilliant idea, It almost lasted 4 weeks before fading to a light copper tone…. I did like it this time, a lot. Perhaps not right after the cut but in the following days. I tend not to like my hair after a blowout, as I think it makes me resemble a Persian cat.

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Now my name change is also officially done, and managed to update all my IDs and banking info with relative ease, although I had two somewhat amusing encounters. I called my main bank of course to ask about an appointment for coming in with my name change certificate to update everything and they told me that it won’t be necessary, I can just walk into any branch and update the info. That was certainly not the case. I go into the branch, hand them my card, Ids and certificate and told the clerk that I had name change, to which she congratulated me, assuming that I just got married. When I told her that it was my first name changing, she acted very surprised and clearly didn’t know what to do about it. She went and talked to someone else in an office and came back, telling me that it’s no problem, they can do it here but it  will take about a week because they need to send the info over to my own branch…… that was mildly annoying so I ended up going to my own branch and this time I got a person who knew  what they were doing really well and it was really smooth process. At another bank, upon handing in my ids, bank card and paperwork, the clerk said they can do a name change no problem at all, but the account holder needs to be here. When she swiped the card, the name Mr. dead name popped up on the screen which right away made her tell me that he needs to come in. “That’s me” I whispered to her, not wanting the whole bank to hear it. She smiled and said, that’s fine ma’am but he is the account holder so he needs to be here or he has to give you written authorization to make the change. I got more assertive this time and I told her it’s me and flashed an older ID. To which she just acted like it was the most natural thing in the world and made the changes in about a minute and I was done. In the following days, I started receiving my new cards, which made me quite excited to be honest.

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I was really happy to have all this done. The current battle us amending immigration records, since I was not born here so that I can get a new passport.

I think I need to end this entry at this point because I need to go, but I will do my best to continue adding to it. I really need to explain my marital situation, my accident and other things in a separate entry. If you are considering transitioning and your marriage is what holds you back, I would like to point out that I really don’t think that is the main reason for our splitting, it’s much deeper than that and it’s years worth of crap accumulating, then making the bucket overflow due to just simple talking to someone.

I will have to get into that later but for now I need sign off.

 

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1 thought on “14 months already? My brother has completely turned around and I’ve gone blonde, then red, yes surgery is coming and I can hardly wait. Running keeps getting better. Oh yes, I’m going to be single and accidents happen…”

  1. *

    Marissa:

    Welcome back!

    Great post! LMAO at your humourous moments. Also poignant at your heart-break.

    Allow my comments.

    One year. Wow! Time flies. Exactly. You can thank that little blue pill and any others if you take the four pill ‘cocktail’. Notice your physical development when you place a series of your pictures together. You’ll see your success. You’d be in ‘male fail’ if you did not go full-time. That you are startled at your appearance in the mirror also, um, reflects well on your changes. I can see improvement; you are doing quite well. Youth has advantages – you are not affected by long-term testosterone poisoning as if you started later. Some people post their freeze-frame videos of their daily pictures of their advancement to YouTube.

    You described precisely what is important – you are now settled into normalcy as who you are – Marissa / female. Mark this step off your checklist. Let me lend a sense of support to you in this concept. I barely ever thought of my trans circumstances during all the years between the time my employer initiated termination against me as trans the first time (1983) to the second time another employer fired me as trans (2008). Even at a medical appointment, trans was not a topic unless it was a specific issue to be addressed.

    Accept the humour that you can place your development as ‘normal’ as being cis. Cis-females also have breasts of different sizes. And it apparently is time that you consider wearing a sports bra or some other style that supports your jostling. Avoid over-wearing any bra that compresses your anatomy – that is binding and it is what F-M seek, not M-F. Resume a regular bra once you return home and change clothes.

    Congratulations on your legal name change – you accomplished one more item on your checklist. You had the extra step of changing not only your British records but your immigration records for Canada. That’s quite euphoric to get your documents changed, eh. Confused bank employees – those are moments I hope you will hold dear for the rest of your life. Even in today’s world, you are still working with employees who lack the awareness of the transitioning customer.

    Congratulations with your brother. His support will help you immensely. The absence of his support did not block your transition, but it was probably an emptiness in your heart that you are now quite pleased to fill with his love. Many trans people lose family and friends because, as you astutely identified it, they take your transition as an attack against their feelings rather than recognising that you are experiencing the primary ordeal. Yes, family and friends also experience their own transition, but their experience is nowhere as profound as yours. You / Marissa did not take away his ‘brother’; you were not quite a ‘brother’ to him except in his perception of you. He realised that he sees the real you – a better you – as Marissa rather than a facade portraying his ‘brother’.

    Your brother was dealing with emotions such as anxiety and fear of rejection if his friends learned about you and they turned against him. He discovered their support for you eased his status with them. There is the lesson in this. He saw how you felt from his rejection of you in the prospect of his friends rejecting him; that scenario did not make him feel good. As you described not being aware of your progress, so was he until his friends assured him of your feminine appearance. ‘From the mouths of babes’ – he also realised that if his son can accept you – ‘cool’ – then he can, too. Youir nephew sees the real you, not the facade of your ‘before’. Your brother will eventually perceive the difference between identity (who we are in bed) and orientation (who we go to bed with). He should not feel bad nor alone. I had a counselor during the 1990s who was ‘old school’ – he would scold me that I had my surgery to have sex with men, not women. It is easy to deal with a family or friend who does not grasp this issue, but not a counsellor. He will eventually comprehend your need for GCS / SRS regardless of your orientation.

    I make a joke about the way my sister rejects me. Though I send pictures of me to her, I jke with others that she probably holds a perception of me as a bald, beer-bellied man who wears dresses. Yeh, ignorance is a factor, but my sister has been a practising nurse since the 1970s who still does not seem to know better

    Parents can have a complicated time reaching acceptance. To your dad, you were his son, not his daughter, and all the emotions that follow such perceptions. Your brother is developing the insight to see past your father’s ‘ones and zeroes’ opposition.

    Maybe there are studies. I know that I want to know about trans person’s orientation – whether it ‘changes’ or merely appears however it does regardless of whether or not we transition or not. I submit that our openness allows us to more likely be bi-sexual / pan-sexual – we acknowledge for our selves that we are open about our own identity and orientation and therefore are open about our partner’s identity and orientation. Certainly, the procreative impetus is irrelevant to trans persons, therefore, that need for an opposite sex procreative partner is irrelevant. Thus, we look past the physical and seek the emotional, regardless of anatomy.

    You are accurate about marriage. Good marriages survive – maybe thrive – with transition; transition brings out the best in a good marriage. Even a fair marriage will survive. It’s likely a bad marriage is already failing and that it will dissolve into a bitter divorce. That is when the spouse prefers to suppress transition rather than bring about its success. Good and fair marriages overcome all issues of intimacy – the parties figure it out as a married couple; a failed marriage will fail in intimacy because the non-transitioning partner will refuse any alternative than what she married.

    You have a very expressive face. It is doing you well in your career inter-acting with other people. So go ahead and enjoy experimenting with your hair colour. Your choices all look good on you. Of course, bear in mind that any colour too different than your natural will need regular and frequent up-dating to hide your roots. Popular down South here in the states is a rainbow style of multiple shades and colours. If you go too light with the hair on your head, then you need to also dye your brows and eyelashes.

    You know that politics antagonistic to the LGBT community is fast taking us downhill ‘South of the border’. Got a question: What are the possibilities of an American gringo achieving asylum up North of the border? My uncle was a mayor of Sudbury back about 30-some years ago. Ya think name-dropping can help grease those skids? Oh, I’m just kidding, trying to make the best of dire circumstances. Maybe, with your home experiences of Canada and travel to the USA, you can write a blog addressing these differences that you find in both nations.

    Perhaps I wrote more than I expected, so feel free to edit this as you see fit.

    *

    Like

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