My thoughts on early transitioning.

Marissa’s guide to male to female gender transitioning.

So I’ve been thinking about coming up with this “list” with items I think are most important in gender transitioning.

Sure we might all do it differently and take different approaches to achieve same goal but ultimately, we all want to succeed at “passing” and blending into society.

Why is passing important? This is a question that repeatedly seems to come up and it’s somewhat complex. My SO used to get fairly upset with me while voicing my goal of passing and she would repeatedly ask why passing is so important, since there are CIS women in a variety of different formats and body shapes and society puts too much emphasis on our looks. This is very true, but we don’t necessarily want to look very pretty, we’re just trying to avoid unnecessary attention. Unnecessary attention to me in this case means people looking it at you on the street or poking fun at you, or misgendering you in public, which can be a very hurtful experience. I’m basing the following strictly on my experience and is not meant to be used as a guide, merely a list of suggestions.

Continue reading “My thoughts on early transitioning.”

I am full time and can never go back, thinking about…… yes the knife but its complicated. Oh yes paperwork and MONEY, swear (pronoun jar)

So I have been full time for 2 week now and I really feel amazing. 2 years ago I didn’t think that this was possible. I feel free. Can’t really find a better way to put it. I am very genuinely excited about every single day despite issues with my business, dealing with VERY high maintenance clients and a bunch of other stuff. I feel like nothing can drag me down. Instead of dreading the future, I can hardly wait for it. Bring it on. It’s hard to believe I’ve been on E for 9 months now, feels like it was all yesterday when I anxiously popped my first pill then spent the next 3 hours panicking about what a DVT will feel like.  Continue reading “I am full time and can never go back, thinking about…… yes the knife but its complicated. Oh yes paperwork and MONEY, swear (pronoun jar)”

Really awesome male fail yesterday. It happens everyday now but it was especially satisfying.

 

So I am a total loser and pre-ordered the iPhone 7 roughly 3 minutes after it went on sale and got to pick it up yesterday. Of course there was a lineup at the apple store in the mall, full of lifeless nerds, such as myself. My male mode is not that convincing anymore really…. Continue reading “Really awesome male fail yesterday. It happens everyday now but it was especially satisfying.”

8 months of HRT,I need to go full time, but…..Family frustrations, Hair and makeup, pronouns, why do you look like a woman now?????

The concept of going full time is becoming ever more pressing. Switching between my 2 personalities is just really hard and I’m not very keen on keeping my old self around for much longer. I find him boring, annoying, and somewhat depressing. I need to be me. My fears of not passing have been easing a lot lately because I’m fortunate enough that seem to pass when trying all the time which is really helpful. I admire people who don’t care about what others think, but passing for me is a big deal, even though it makes me feel like a coward sometimes. Continue reading “8 months of HRT,I need to go full time, but…..Family frustrations, Hair and makeup, pronouns, why do you look like a woman now?????”

Out to the world, you cannot hide who you are.

So I am now officially out to the world.

I came out on Facebook using he following letter;

Dear Friends,
For months, if not years, I’ve been contemplating how best to address a major change in my life.

Some of you know, most of you don’t and no doubt it will be a surprise or even a shock to a few. I am transgender and have been in the process of transitioning to female for almost a year now, which is the reason I haven’t exactly been posting pictures of myself here. Although I don’t want to impose the particulars on you, if you have any questions, I’d be more than happy to answer them. I would however like to point out that I’m still the same person and nothing has changed since you first met me, except I got tired of fighting it. This has been with me all my life and finally after many years of struggle, I decided to embrace it and fix it. This change will not affect my ability to do my job or make me a different person really, other than on the outside. In fact, I may be less distracted when I no longer have two personas to juggle and I can be just myself without having to act or pretend to be something I’m not. Also, as I enjoy being myself more, you may find me more enjoyable to be around.Some of you may not understand the life changes I’m undertaking and some of you may not approve of what I’m doing and that’s fine. I did not come here to ask for permission, I’m only here sharing this because I think it’s only fair.

Continue reading “Out to the world, you cannot hide who you are.”

People’s looks and I confuse you??

Trying to understand people’s looks….

I attended another trade show this week, this time in Seattle. I left early Monday morning and was there until late Friday nite. This was the first time when I really felt felt uncomfortable with people’s looks. I do get some looks in male mode but they’ve been rather subtle and I never really felt disturbed by them but the first nite at registration for the show made me feel pretty bad. I know I should just own my shiz and not care but it’s hard for me to do that when someone goes out of his/her way to keep staring at you like a laser beam every time you walk by. The people in question happened to be cops surprisingly and I seemed to have been their comic relief. A work associate is telling me that I’m over reading into it and that I might be just misunderstanding them. I think she’s right to certain extent but when I walk by them 5 times and every single time, one will nudge the other and they both stare at me as I walk past them, it’s a bit hard to ignore it and not read into it. Yes I confuse people in male mode but for the most part, people have been really cool about it. At the show registration there were a few people aware of me coming because my business partner was kind enough (not) to register me as Marissa instead of my birth name without telling me so I had to change it because at first I was not ready to go in female mode…. This is a good show and it’s not my first time there and I need to point out the fact that it’s packed with rather intelligent people, but still I was a bit worried because first of all it’s in the US and I’m kind of used to Ontario hospitality and open mindedness whereas this place has a lot of people from all over the world, including from the Bible Belt…… There were some that went out of their way to look at my name-tag and I was sure it was because they were trying to see my name which might help them put me into a box labeled either 1 or 0. Some people simply don’t notice anything at all, others just don’t care, but I had the luck of meeting some people in the past few days who became visibly disturbed by the fact that they had no clue where to put me.

There were a few times when people came looking for me by my birth name and when I was pointed out, I could see that my face was definitely not what they were expecting. The funniest of all was Friday morning during breakfast in my hotel, during which time, I had 2 waiters looking after my needs. I was male failing with one and he kept calling me ma’am, the other kept calling me sir which was weird because these people were trying to be polite, which included them calling you sir, or ma’am 72 times per sentence, just to make sure….. I would have loved to tell them to just fucking stop and don’t call me sir or ma’am. So the funny bit was when one guy was coming over asking if “Everything’s OK sir?” While the other came to pour more coffee and added “Here you go ma’am”, pretty much all at the same so they could clearly hear each other and they looked at each other really weirdly, neither one of them approving of the other. That was pretty funny I thought. On another note, my friend insisted that I try on her glasses 🙂

I really liked them I think and surprisingly, I almost wish I could wear them but luckily my eyes are pretty good and no glasses are required.

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Look at those glasses :). If I ever need them, at least I’lol know what style to get.

I’m pretty tired at the moment and there is a good possibility that I forgot includ some other excitement of what went on this week and if I remember, I’ll be sure to add it.