I’ve met a friend yesterday I’ve known for about 15 years and tho she knew about my transitioning, this was the first time we’ve met since I’ve actually began to transition. It was at first somewhat weird to meet her while looking different a bit, but by her comforting words I was at ease rather quickly and began to chat about it. She had some questions I thought were rather interesting and very direct, but I guess we’ve known each other for long enough that it really didn’t matter. One interesting question was what made you finally decide to pursue transitioning? She though there was a major life changing event or something along those lines but there really wasn’t anything like that, just the clock ticking. I tried to think long and hard about what finally brought this one and one thing that kept my mind spinning was dying young I guess. My mom died of cancer at 39 and that makes me wonder how much I have before the axe gets close to me. If last year I was diagnosed with a fatal disease, I would have been really pissed at the universe because I would have felt like I never had the chance to show myself to the world in the configuration I feel is correct and the whole thing would have kind of been pointless. The one thing on the other hand that kept me away from transitioning was my marriage to an amazing woman. She really is a very bright star in the universe and by no means do I intend to hurt her in any way but we’ve had issues in the past. Had I stayed away from transitioning because of her and she still decided to leave, once again I’d be really, really pissed off for putting it off for so long. For a long time I’ve also struggled with work and my clients but I’m slowly getting over that too. I’ve been found out by some and you know what? Everyone lives.
The other question I was asked was a bit ore complex because she was interested in deciding whether to get a “sex change” or not. My response was that I don’t know, I haven’t got that far yet although for some reason I think more and more about dropping certain elements attached to my body so that I can get off T blockers but it’s very early. I’ve also asked whether she thinks one’s gender is defined by what genitals they carry around and her answer was a very definite no. When we were done talking and I was driving home, I was contemplating a question to myself. Am I a woman?
I really can’t answer that. I am unique I think in the sense of my identity. For some reason I don’t particularly feel like a woman with a simple birth defect, but I feel like I need society to see me like one and I need to socially transition to be one. What the heck does that make me?? Am I a unicorn? I’ve met a trans person with the outmost firm belief that he was just born with a birth defect and was never a woman. I don’t find my situation that simple……
I guess we are all different individuals. And now I can’t help but think about a quote Monty Python’s life of Brian.
Brian: Please, please, please listen! I’ve got one or two things to say.
The Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them!
Brian: Look, you’ve got it all wrong! You don’t NEED to follow ME, You don’t NEED to follow ANYBODY! You’ve got to think for your selves! You’re ALL individuals!
The Crowd: Yes! We’re all individuals!
Brian: You’re all different!
The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different!
Man in crowd: I’m not…
The Crowd: Sch!
On a happier note, I had my ears pierced today. It was awesome 🙂
Please excuse the pathetic picture, this is now my male during work after 3 months on estrogen 🙂
Thank you my great friend and solemate for coming with me helping me buy that awesome jacket (See, I didn’t call it a windbreaker)and taking pix of my piercing. The world is a much better place with you in it. Without you it would be dull, cold, love free and boring.